Insomnia

Several days in a low I am insomnia. I can't fall asleep before 2am and can't remain asleep for an adequate length of time. I waked up at about 6:30 and can't fall asleep any more. Lying in the bed, thinking. Every time I was waked up by nightmare. All I dreamed about is my journey back. It seems that I am not so happy and exciting as supposed to. Last night, I dreamed that my flight is today and I don't realize it before shopping informed me that and then plane is going to take off soon. I haven't packed up my luggage not to mention buy presents to my friends. I was busy packing up my luggage and then I cried. I still can't accept that I am going to leave in a few hours and worried that I won't never go back to Singapore. I will miss my friends so much. Then I waked up. Last time shopping told me that she heard I was sobbing the other night.

I packed up my thesis and sent it to my supervisor last night. I haven't finished some aspects he asked me to do. More exactly, I haven't figured out a proper way to add them in and the article still answering the same question. I am looking forwards to seeing him. The first thing I do today is to check the mailbox. I logged into the outlook concernedly. I haven't got his reply. Continuing waiting for the reply, I am tired but don't feel sleepy at all. Sitting at student lounge, typing the ugly words I have thought of. Anyway, today is Saturday. I have rescue to kick off.
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眼睛

左眼里面长了个红包，大半个月了看了4次医生，也意味着花了两天的时间。真的是千万不要生病。服了些要没有什么起色，昨天下午和医生预约了去复诊。医生说没有任何起色，只能开刀了。他看到我害怕的神情了，以致安慰我没事的很快就会好了，只是很小的一个手术。
好吧。我答得很勉强。

手术是很小，就5分钟吧。可是我在那里等的时间啊！真是无语。昨天下午1点出头出发，挂号排队，但是复诊的所以算是比较快。接下来，又给我检查了眼压，视力。这里的医院每一步骤都要在不同的地方，也就意味着在每个地方你都要等上一段时间。检查完之后是consulting, 这都还在我忍受的范围之内。带了分FT打发时间，无奈昨天的版面不多加上一堆的Ad. ，很快就看完了（一些实在没兴趣的没看）。因为手术又是另一个地方，我又要再等了。医生让我先抓药又是漫长的等待。抓好后回到treatment room外面，通知护士小姐我回来了。护士小姐说她叫医生准备一下。My God!这一准备竟是3个多小时。看完了报纸的我只好听听广播，可是怎么觉得那几个电台的节目都不是很和我的胃口。一个人在那里苦等真是很痛苦，加上我本来就很讨厌等人了，也讨厌让别人等。最后发现还在医院里的人都只是在等我，那医生是在看完所有的consultant之后才给我看。护士也等的很烦了。收费处也在等我一个。哈哈~~这种待遇只有VIP才有吧。

出来之后，一只眼睛走路还真是很不自在，看着看着就模糊了，可是在那里竟然连的士的影子也见不到。郁闷`|没办法还是坐MRT。一路上感觉有人在看我，不过反正我看不清，管他们。一只眼睛的感觉是不平衡，刚出大门的时候就装到了路边的绿化的灌木上，之后知道了要调整一下，所以还好。

这样我又有了借口可以休息了。晚上就看片了。今天早上还是那个时候起的，可是吃了点东西又躺下了，10点半才起来，还真是很懒。

碰到房东竟然要我打扫客厅，都不见她打扫过，要我打扫，不理她。这人真是的，要求住那里的要是不抽烟的女性，结果就她天天晚上在客厅里抽烟。反正再过一个月就回去了，不管那么多。
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Gift from my Mentor

This afternoon as usual I attended the Toastmasters Club meeting. It is a special meeting today ---- The Annual EXCO. Discharge of 2006-2007 EXCO as well as installation of 2007-2008 EXCO. Since I am going back to China quite soon and may be I will never come back more exactly, the chance that I will come back next year is very low. It one month more to go. Though I have start to count down the days that I will fly back home since the day I landed on Singapore. How come I feel so sad because I will leave soon even sad than when I leave Xiamen. May be I know I'll definitely come back to China sooner or later. And I feel so sad to leave here is I fear that I will never be back. I will miss all the friends here, especially my dear friends from Toastmasters Clubs. They are so kind, sincere, dedicated, generous..... How come the vivid words are away from me? These words can't describe them properly. I benefit a lot from Toastmasters meeting not only the English communication skills, but also interpersonal skills. And more important, their kindness let me feel at home which is luxury to me here.

Last meeting, I told them I will go back to China one month later. Chia Yi, my mentor, a beautiful and excellent girl, said that she feel so sad that I have to go back. Then I told her that I will come back one year later, though deep in my heart I think the probably that I'll come back one year later is very low. Maybe just because I don't like to see the sadness from her face which is sincerely.

Today, when I went into the room, she approached to me and gave a gift. She said that since I'll go back soon she would like to accept it as a souvenir. It surprised me. What can I give them? Every time I enjoy myself at Toastmasters meeting. I will try my best to be with them and visit other clubs with them. I have beening thinking about build up a Toastmaster club at Xiamen. And last time, Nathan told me that after I go back to China, I still can join them through the internet and he will assign me to be the project evaluator. I think that's wonderful. I was thinking that I was in Xiamen and joined the meeting with my classmates at Xiamen. That would be so great! Hope that will come true.
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Lessons to learn

When waiting for the results of my SAS program, I look through the ft news. An article caught me, "There are lessons to learn from rejection". This is a diary by an MBA.

Having been in school for almost 20 years. I was top at the class. However, I am not very clear what I want to be in the future. For years, I would like to be a teacher, or a professor. So, I kept on pursuing higher degree. However, I decided not to pursue a Ph. D right now. There are several reasons. One is that, I can not get support from my parents mentally. And I don't like to disappoint them since they are the most important persons in the world to me. I'd like to let them retire now. They have been working too hard to support my younger brother and me for a long time. The other one is that I'd like to gather experience from the market. More important, I'd like to try something new. I'd like to know how exactly the industry works. I believe there is gap between academic and industry no matter how wide it is.

It seems that I know what I am going to do. I haven't dug into the topic. However, I am working on it. I believe I 'll become more and more qualified for the job. Keep my eyes on the prize.
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又是周末

又是周末了，怎么感觉一周才刚开始就结束。害怕这种感觉，回顾这周我的thesis 没有什么进展，没有做怎么进展呢？看到饼饼的签名档："又是周末"，才深刻意识到“又是周末”了。想想还是记记流水账吧。

周一不记得什么时候到的学校，应该不晚才对。看看单词，看看网页早上就过去了，下午发现左眼里面长了个红包于是去NTUC Medicine 看了一下前后一个小时见医生的时间我想从我进去到出来不会超过30秒，这就是医疗系统，不管是在中国还是新加坡。下午记得是傍海哥整理数据。一转眼就是晚上，吃完饭照例看看网页，博客就8点多了或是更晚，好像也没什么心情作，或是做了点，早早的回宿舍睡觉了。

周二应该也蛮早到学校的，除了看报纸，网页，整理点数据，聊天我不知道我还做什么了。嗯，但电话回家了。

周三早上没来学校，应该是晚上才来的。在宿舍呆了一天，等着把电脑寄给朋友，让她帮忙带给弟弟。在宿舍除了看片睡觉就没别的了因为网络我也从来连不上去。后来又去看眼睛了，然后预约了医生第二天到医院。

周四早上去National Eye Center看医生。正常情况一早上的时间见医生的时间前前后后2分钟足已。下午看看报纸网页打个电话回家，听听音乐，随便整理点数据，时间指向5点。动身前往toastmaster。约好大家6点在MRT见面的，可是一个因为有事让我们4个整整等了40分钟。到了地点，其他人都吃完等我们了，随便吃了两口东西就开始了。虽是VIP可是让30、40人等我半个小时了，也不能再拖了。第一次进半导体工厂，进的是无尘大楼，所以我们外来人员全都要套上鞋套，和另外一个女生马上意识到最大的错误是穿了高跟鞋。My God! 还真是滑啊！每一步都要小心翼翼，但是觉得还是蛮有趣的。进出大门都要进行全身检查，半导体工厂就是这样，员工天天都要例行这一程序。我们只觉得好玩。我做了我的第二次的Evaluate，同行的说我比上一次进步很多了，虽然他们倾向于鼓励我但是还是感觉自己进步了。在chia yi的指导下我的structure比较好了。我知道她为什么每次都做的那么好了，也知道为什么她总要带那么多东西了。哈哈~ 那可都是精华啊！每次吸取一点。嘿嘿！满足的回家，又和Nathaniel同路。说我fifth发音不对，一直要我练，说了几遍终于得到肯定。本想回学校的，后来不顺路了就没有回来，较早的回到宿舍，又没什么书，读读报纸，发觉舌头有点打结，还是要多多练习才能满意。

周五，今天。早上也算是早起吧，7点多自我感觉很早。没有书所以就来学校了。今天是爸爸的生日，发了条短信给他。很想他还有妈妈，虽然昨天才通的电话。爸爸妈妈你们别太累了。每次这么都这么跟他们说，可是他们总还是那样每天不辞辛劳的作，特别是妈妈。每次想到这就很心疼。我要好好努力才行，我要出人头地，不然怎么对得起他们，他们的恩情是我永远也还不清的，只希望他们能健健康康的。小时候就想着带他们走遍中国，走遍世界。虽然这几乎不可能，仍然希望我能带他们多走几个地方。嗯！干活了。
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订票了

今天终于订了回去的机票。亲爱的兄弟姐妹们很快就可以见到你们了。7月28日晚到深圳的机票。深圳的亲朋好友们你们可要自觉地准备好接待啊。哈哈~~

兴奋啊~~兴奋得我不知道做什么好。从昨天晚上开始就是这种状态了。还是要来这里写写，虽然听说google blogger在国内又被封杀了（难怪点击率一直上不去，对此我不想多加评论，ABC已经为回国做好准备再次乔迁，这很可能是我下一步要做的）。

一年时间就这样过去了，忙忙碌碌的生活感觉告一段落虽说任务还没有完成，还不能清心。有毕业的感觉，越来越冷清的workstation时时提醒我已经是暑假了，我就要离开这里了。从来的那一天就期待着回去的日子，现在定下来了，除了兴奋还有茫然，未来的路怎么走，我能找到一份满意的工作吗？投了好几份的简历没有回音，自信心经受着一次次的考验，期待着回国比较有竞争力，可是这并没有什么关系。我还不会推销自己，坦然面对吧。正所谓福祸相生，我相信命的。命是你不能左右的，运却是你能改变的。努力就好，不要给自己太大的压力。除此之外，说真的在这里呆了一年了，还是有感情的，想到要离开，也许，很可能在不会回来这里了，还是有点点感伤。上次看到来这里交流的一个小师妹描述她离开时的感受很是煽情，也许我会比她更严重，也许只是匆匆的离开没有太多的思考，也许……太多也许了。
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忏悔

来这里忏悔下，虽然这并没什么帮助，自求心灵安慰吧。

After thesis presentation, 我几乎天天在虚度日子，3周的时间一晃而过，还是没能静下心做事，太恐怖了。我是在慢性自杀啊！开始的时候，说是我应该休息一段时间了，可是一周，两周，三周还是这样。天啊！我是在干吗？！老板又回美国了，学校很安静都放假了，照例的每天到学校，可是晚到早回关键是到学校除了上上网看看片我不知道我还做了什么。借口永远是有的。哈哈，一边忏悔一边再患是不是无药可救了。现在就是这样。哈哈，借口也不用了。我充分证明了忏悔是没有用的。明天，明天又明天……我就是这样对自己的。

儿童节，今天。我是不是该过这个节日呢？早上年纪说我应该不回过这个节了，一句话使我愣了下。是这样的吗？好像应当这样，可是我没有做到。想长大又害怕长大，有时更期望不用长大，可是人还是要长大的。不管怎样，我想我都可以过儿童节的。^_^

准备回去了，哈哈~~

明天……
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